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CAPRICORN: "The big bush at the bottom of your garden will catch alight tonight. Take precautions by covering it in a fire-retarding sheet. Your lucky ball is: Cricket ball."
LEO: "You'll be visited at 2:05 pm by a man claiming to be Daddy Cool. Do not invite him into your house, as he is really Count Dracula. Your lucky ball is: beach ball."
ARIES: "You will get drunk today and find yourself reeling about on the shallers of a mandrill. The mandrill's name will be Mr. Monkey. Your lucky hat is: Easter bonnet."
LOFTY: "The only people who talk to you today will be your butcher, and a man who claims to want to buy your telephone. Don't let him do this - he is really a serial killer called Danny Swift. Your lucky hat is: Space helmet."
CAPRICORN: "Today is a good day to fall in love, as it will be quite sunny. Also, I've bought you a box of biscuits which I intend to deliver at approximately 2.05 pm. Your lucky TV region is: Meridian."
HUNGARY: "You'll find a crate in your loft containing back issues of Whizzer & Chips, Whoopee, and Shiver and Shake comics. You will enjoy reading them. Your lucky TV region is: Anglia."
SAGITTARIUS: "If you decide to go to the pub tonight, you might find it surprisingly crowded for a weeknight. Rent a video and stay in instead. Your lucky 1970's sci-fi TV series is: The Saviours."
BERGERAC: "Today you will ask a friend to come to a barbecue you're planning for the weekend. Unfortunately, he's going to his sister's house and cannot attend. Your lucky 1970's TV series is: The Tomorrow People."
GEMINI: "Something awful will happen to you today, but I am not at liberty to say what. To improve chances of survival avoid contact with burly sailors. Your lucky sci-fi show creator is: Chris Carter."
APOLLO 13: "You will awake this morning distraught to find your feet have been crushed by the collapse of your ceiling. No, wait - that's Sagittarius. Your lucky sci-fi show creator is: Gene Roddenberry."
LEO: "You won't feel a thing today when you are hit over the skull by a clown's monkey. This is because you have contracted a bizarre virulent disorder. Your lucky fun-fair ride is: helter-skelter."
COCKNEY: "Today is a good day for you: a friend will give you his tickets for a recording of Have I Got News For You. He can't go because he has to attend his uncle's funeral. Your lucky fun-fair ride is: the waltzer."
GEMINI: "You'll finally find that five pound note you lost - your insane grandmother had taken it to be cleaned. She will return the note at 7.35 pm today. Your lucky nickname is: 'Big Ears'."
WOLFSTRADDLER: "Today is a good day to decorate your living room, as you have just bought a load of wallpaper and paint and stuff. The paint is a terracotta colour for a Mediterranean feel. Your lucky nickname is: 'Pongo'."
ARIES: "Today will bring you the prosperity and wealth you've long dreamed of, in addition to a terrible, all-consuming urge to break and destroy. DESTROY. Your lucky goth: Wayne Hussey out of 'The Mission'."
GERMANY: "Fortune will shine on you in the form of a foreign gentleman with a lightbulb for a face, and you'll find yourself unexpectedly remembering the time your trousers fell down at the outdoor pop concert. Your lucky goth: Dave Vanien out of 'The Damned'."
AQUARIUS: "A large envelope will arrive for you today. Inside will be a number of tennis-coaching tapes that you won't remember ordering. Perhaps they were intended for a neighbour. Your lucky shoe: The brogue."
HERMES: "An accident in your kitchen will result in the spoiling of the entire contents of your pantry. Spaghetti, tins of Londong grill, bottles of Vimto - all will be needlessly ruined. Your lucky shoe: The pump."
GEMINI: "You'll wake up this morning and not know where you are, but don't panic: your bed fell out of the window last night and rolled down the road into a different town. Your lucky Monopoly piece: Top Hat."
HEIFER: "The power of love is a curious thing - it makes one man weep, makes another man sing. Also: how much is that puppy in the window, the one with the waggly tail? Your lucky Monopoly piece: Boot."
LEO: "Somehow you'll get to see 'Clash Of The Titans' twice today but you won't know how. It may be on TV, or you might just play the entire movie out in your head. A good day all round! Your lucky hologram: A blinking eye."
ASBESTOS: "The forces of evil will conspire to make a chocolate bar melt in your pocket, not in your mouth. This is a metaphor for ill health, which is on it's way in the form of shingles. Your lucky hologram: A fist punching through a sheet of glass."
CAPRICORN: "You'll unexpectedly be offered a job as a Tom Jones impersonator today, by a Japanese corporation wanting you to perform at the opening of their new European office. Your lucky lunch: corn beef sandwich."
DOLLOP: "Your lawn will be stolen while you're down the social security office today. The only clue to the thieves' identity is a dry cleaning ticket. Could it be your brother-in-law playing a joke? Your lucky lunch: Take-away salad from Pizza Hut."
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