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VxON Overlord
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8,644 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Some of these have been about, some new ones too :D :lmao:

> Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes
> this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports
> personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a
> nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then
> never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
>
> Ben Hunt
>
> The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
> heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are
> living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I
> wish they'd make their minds up.
>
> John
>
> 'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
> Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
>
> Colin Hill
>
> I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
> mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose
> around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
> would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.
> She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
>
> L Palmer, London
>
> With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a
> Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride.
> But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan.
>
> Lo Chi Chang, Taipei
>
> The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
> pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
> from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
> stop breaking the law, so will I.
>
> P Boddington, Ringway
>
> Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
> like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife
> naked. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
>
> P, Leeds
>
> Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
> Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
>
> Anon
>
> On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
> Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
> obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
>
> Alan J., London
>
> Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
> Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
> climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should
> get some faster cars.
>
> T Barnham, London
>
> How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
> selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
> football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
> for the rich and another for the poor.
>
> Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
>
> Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
> about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on
> about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
>
> Mike Woods, e-mail
>
> With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
> soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include
> a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the #@%!$ quickly
> enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
>
> Shuggie, e-mail
>
> Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
> the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters.
> I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their
> splendid sense of humour.
>
> Chris Scaife, Jesmond
>
> I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
> Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much,
> but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
>
> Dave Owen, Edinburgh
>
> I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad
> is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
>
> Stan
>
> What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
> the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J
>
> I just bought a new car and when I insured it, the broker informed me
> I wasn't covered for acts of God. Imagine my anger when I looked out
> of my bedroom window in the early hours and saw the Lord scratching it
> up the side with a key.
>
> Christina Martin
>
> I'd like to congratulate the marketing geniuses responsible for naming
> the new A1 motor racing championship. Now they have craftily secured
> pole position in the Yellow Pages, surely there will be no stopping
> them. Bernie Eccles-tone will have to think again.
>
> Aardvark Mansell
>
> When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I
> was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the
> lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!' Funny,
> but the poor sod's face told a different story.
>
> Tommo, Hull
>
> I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of
> trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a
> hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some
> sticks.
>
> Stan Herschel
>
> I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning
> stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to
> put people off buying the product.
>
> Mark Mayhem
>
> Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways, whilst eating a Birdseye
> Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a
> crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites
> are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful, I was able to
> spell out 'Hitler is nice' if I used a z on its side for an n. How
> long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?
>
> Billington Smyth
>
> My boss and colleagues spend half their time criticizing me for things
> I've done and the other half criticizing me for things I haven't done.
> I wish they'd make their ****ing minds up.
>
> Arnold Shoes
>
> 'You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips...' wrote
> the Righteous Brothers in their 1964 hit. Well, to be fair, in order
> to see that your bird's not closing her eyes when you're copping off
> with her you would have to have your eyes open as well. It sounds to
> me like they've both 'lost that lovin' feeling.' I reckon the
> relationship is dead in the water and they should end it now before they both get hurt.
>
> Mason, Rumpunter
>
> Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person
> present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not
> having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the
> RAC have more responsible employees.
>
> Hugie Dixon, West Drayton
>
> The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll
> have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst
> picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the
> anus. That's not good luck in my book.
>
> Milos el Standish, Barcelona
>
> I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's
> prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God,
> has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to
> be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding
> citizens can only dream of.
>
> Mrs Close, Headingley
 
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