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VxON Overlord
8,644 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Again prob a lot of old ones in here, but still some funny stuff :D

> DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
> RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
> DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
> WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
> MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
> EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
> MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
> GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
> BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
> BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
> ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
> DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
> PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
> CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
> JEREMY BEADLE: When selling DVD's on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
> SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
> SINGLE MEN: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
> BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
> ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
> McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
> WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a damn anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.

The Beadle one is my favourite :lmao:

Premium Member
634 Posts
I got my first Viz annual aged 10, and read it religously ever since.

Liked the CV one and the car thieves one too.
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