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Typical multi choice menu for the phone these days

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive compulsive press 1 repeatedly
If you are co-dependant ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid we know what you are and what you want, stay on the line and we'll trace your call.
If you're delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother-ship.
If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive it doesn't matter which number you press no one will answer you.
If you are dyslexic press 696969.
If you have a nervous disorder please fidget with the # key until the beep, after the beep please wait for the beep.
If you have a short term memory loss please try your call again later
If you have low self esteem please hang up, all our operators are too busy to talk to you!
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