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Dammit...driving the world's most boring car
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There was this musician in North Korea. One day he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have an orchestra play it live to him in the great auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the great leader did as he asked.

The big night came. With the musician stood at the front the orchestra played his masterpiece. However they were terrible!

“This isn’t how it’s supposed to sound!” The musician shouted at the orchestra, but the great leader was displeased and he called for the musician to be put to death.

Upon arriving at the execution, the musician was asked what he’d like for his final meal.

“I’d like a piping hot curry”, said the musician.

After eating his curry, the hottest curry he’d eaten in a long time, he sat in the electric chair and awaited his fate.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew across the room and the air filled with smoke... But nothing happened, the musician was unharmed.

Having witnessed this miracle, An awe struck Kim Jong-Un decided to give the musician another chance to impress him with his music.

He got straight to work, writing another piece of music, this time, his masterpiece.

The night came, and he stood in front of his orchestra as they completely murdered his piece of music.

“It wasn’t supposed to sound anything like that, nothing at all!” he exclaimed, but Kim Jong-Un isn’t the forgiving type and he sent the musician straight to the execution chamber.

Again, the guards asked him what he wanted for his final meal. This time the musician asked for a curry hot enough to burn his eyes out.

He chomped down the curry, teary eyed and sweating, then was strapped to the chair. Again they threw the switch and again the musician remained unaffected.

Dumbfounded, the great leader said, “One last chance to prove your worth”, amazed that this man was actually still alive!

The night of the third composition came, this time it was going to work, “surely this is the most masterful piece of music ever written” thought the musician.

For the third time, the orchestra failed to play the music to how the musician had written it and yet again he was sent to the execution chamber, with Kim Jong-Un himself set to throw the switch.

His final meal request was for the hottest curry ever made on this planet.

“No” said the great leader, I've had it with you and your super hot curries. We’re putting you straight in the chair this time, no final meal, you’re not walking out of here unharmed”

The musician was strapped in, the switch thrown by none other than Kim Jong-Un himself. Sparks flew, smoke bloomed an yet the man yet again was unharmed!

The great leader stood there, speechless.

The musician looked at him and said, “Oh, the curries had nothing to do with it, I’m just a terrible conductor.”
 

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Discussion Starter #525
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Kiwi, a Canadian, an Eskimo, a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard, a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Pollack, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Indian, an Italian, a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African, a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean, an Argentinean, a Lithuanian, a Dane, a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Croat, and a Panamanian go to a fancy bar...

The bouncer says: "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai." :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 

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Discussion Starter #526
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
 

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Discussion Starter #527
We are interrupting our regularly scheduled jokes for today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down, Paper was stationary

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading, Knives were up sharply, Pencils lost a few points

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline, Weights were up in heavy trading

Mining equipment hit rock bottom, Diapers remained unchanged

The market for raisins dried up, Balloon prices were inflated, And toilet paper touched a new bottom
 

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Discussion Starter #529
A taxi driver picked up a nun. He couldn't stop staring at her in the rear view mirror, Eventually she asked what he was staring at, he answered that he had always dreamed of kissing a nun, She said that as long as he was single and a catholic then she would kiss him, He said he was both of those so he stopped the taxi in an alley and she kissed him in a way that would make a hooker blush

Remorse got the better of the taxi driver, he confessed he was married and Jewish, The nun said, no worries, I'm called Kevin and I'm on my way to fancy dress party. :ROFLMAO::ROFLMAO:
 

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2,682 Posts
It was the final of the International Engineering Apprentice competition and the 3 finalists were teams from Toyota. Mercedes Benz and Land Rover, each team was given two 50mm ball bearings and asked to return in 3 days with the results of their endeavours.

On their return the team from Toyota produced a basic newtons cradle after drilling the bearings and making a frame.

The team from Mercedes Benz were next and proudly explained that they had welded the two bearings together and the spark eroded the figure of an angel onto the surface.

Finally the team from Land Rover and they explained that unfortunately they had ………………
Lost one and broke the other
 

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On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set
yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm me! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little
Irish blood and some Spanish blood.
What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied,
"How very sporting of your mother!"
 

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Discussion Starter #536
any way, since ya all a bunch of boring farts, and dont wanna hear the thomas cook joke,
heres one from i took from another forum

THE CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRLS & THE PENIS - its a mans sausage :p
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it
 
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