An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Chinese, a Japanese, a Kiwi, a Canadian, an Eskimo, a Fijian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Spaniard, a Mongolian, a Tibetan, a Pollack, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Indian, an Italian, a Brazilian, a Kenyan, a South African, a Filipino, a Pakistani, a Korean, an Argentinean, a Lithuanian, a Dane, a Finn, a Swede, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a Croat, and a Panamanian go to a fancy bar...
The bouncer says: "Sorry. I can't let you in without a Thai."
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."
A taxi driver picked up a nun. He couldn't stop staring at her in the rear view mirror, Eventually she asked what he was staring at, he answered that he had always dreamed of kissing a nun, She said that as long as he was single and a catholic then she would kiss him, He said he was both of those so he stopped the taxi in an alley and she kissed him in a way that would make a hooker blush
Remorse got the better of the taxi driver, he confessed he was married and Jewish, The nun said, no worries, I'm called Kevin and I'm on my way to fancy dress party.
It was the final of the International Engineering Apprentice competition and the 3 finalists were teams from Toyota. Mercedes Benz and Land Rover, each team was given two 50mm ball bearings and asked to return in 3 days with the results of their endeavours.
On their return the team from Toyota produced a basic newtons cradle after drilling the bearings and making a frame.
The team from Mercedes Benz were next and proudly explained that they had welded the two bearings together and the spark eroded the figure of an angel onto the surface.
Finally the team from Land Rover and they explained that unfortunately they had ………………
Lost one and broke the other
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set
yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm me! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little
Irish blood and some Spanish blood.
What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied,
"How very sporting of your mother!"
any way, since ya all a bunch of boring farts, and dont wanna hear the thomas cook joke,
heres one from i took from another forum
THE CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRLS & THE PENIS - its a mans sausage
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all die. They all arrive at heaven wanting to enter the pearly gates.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."
St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it