Vauxhall Owners Network Forum banner

1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Well-known member
Joined
·
6,336 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Spurred on by PVO_Dave's 'EGG' rantage :-

The moronic side of customer services ... or as I like to think of them ... “In One Ear and Out The Other“ …


A package is over a week overdue, I call the Carrier's Customer Services number provided with my tracking details ...

ME: "Hi, I haven't received a package yet, the tracking number is 123456789".
CS: "Ok ... “; tappetty tap; “is that 'Joe Bloggs'?"
ME "Yes, that's me."
CS: "It's logged as having been delivered and signed for, have you had it?"
ME: "Er, no, that's why I'm calling".
CS: "OK, I'll pass it to Customer Services to follow up. Right, what's your name?"

(What's my name???! Have you got the memory of a funking goldfish or something??? YOU told ME my name literally 2 seconds ago ... it's OBVIOUSLY STILL ON YOUR FCUKING SCREEN!!??)




Calling a potential supplier for a new Commercial Electricity connection and supply … you’d think they’d jump at the chance for a new customer with a £30k pa spend … apparently not …

ME: “Hi, we’re having a New Connection installed and I’d like a quote for pricing and supply please.”
CS: “OK, have you got the metering data for the last 9 months?”
ME: “Er, no … it’s a New Connection”
CS: “I’m afraid we’d need 9 months history before we would consider a quote.”

(WHAAAAT???! its a NEW CONNECTION ... N-EWE ... do you not want the funking business? ... after a couple of similar 'you've got to be joking' type of comments, I hung up and tried another company ... and got the SAME kind of response?!)




A typical scenario in any telephone based ‘Customer Services’ interaction is the re-spelling of my surname … this one takes the honours - very much summarized but read it slowly with the careful punctuation to get a measure of the full effect …

CS: ... Good morning blah How can I help you blah blah blah "What's your surname?"
ME: "Macleod"
CS: "Can you spell that please?"
ME: "Sure ... M. A. C. L. E. O. D. ..."
clicketty click ... other questions ...
CS: "I'm not getting you up; so it's; M. C. L. O. ... ?"
ME: "No; M. A. C. L. E. O. D. " he mumbles each letter back to me as he types it ...
CS: "hmm still not coming up ... so it's M A C L O U D ?"
ME: making a point of saying it slowly "M.. A.. C.. L.. E.. O.. D.." ... ?
clicketty click clicketty click
CS: "Is there a 'U' in your surname?"
ME: “What?! No! ... You realise this'll be the fourth time I've had to spell my name to you ... " slowly, through gritted teeth and in an overly simplistic and patronising tone, I spell it out for, hopefully, the final time before I explode! " M... A... C... L... E... O... D... ... "
clicketty click
CS: sheepishly "right - got you now ... "




How about the regular, well thought out, email footers …

"...Please be aware that this message is generated from an unmanned mailbox. We cannot respond to any mail to this address..."

"... If you receive this e-mail by mistake, please delete it then advise the sender immediately by reply e-mail ..."




Calling a big institution with a query on an account … I’m presented with the obligatory pre-recorded automatic call handling system …

CS: “Please be aware that this service is activated by your voice and not by entering in numbers. To ensure that you can use this service, please press star on your keypad now.”
ME: (laughing) BEEP
CS: “Please press 1 if you want to … press 2 if you want to … or 9 to speak to an operator.”

(The new 'Voice activated service' ... you say the numbers as you press them ... or maybe, dial 9 and use the fully interactive 'Voice' recognition system based on another funking human being ... )




Or similarly … on the end of one of these automatic handling systems; you’re listening patiently to the drawn out drawl of explanation for each option number …

… If you want to <blah ...>, press 1…
… If you want to <blah ... blardy ... blah ... >, press 2 …
… If you want to <blah ... blah ... blah ... >, press 3 …
… If you want to <zzzzzzzz>, press 4 …
… If you want to … <the option you’ve been, now impatiently, waiting for> BEEP you press 5 … … nothing happens as you listen … only to find this was actually the last available option and was, helpfully, given option number 9!!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,531 Posts
Email footers along the lines of 'The message is confidential and may be legally privileged or otherwise protected from discolsure.'

Why stick it at the end of the message when you will only see it after reading the message and aren't aware of any potential legal implications? you can't 'un-read' it can you? It's a bit like a copper asking you a question without cautioning you and then using it as evidence against you. Totally stupid.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,875 Posts
People still get my surname wrong.... it's 5 letters, very simple, and if you look they're all at the top right of the keyboard.... no e's, u's, b's or anything else, just Pioli!

And I severely doubt we're the only family in this country with that surname, it's very popular in Italy and the number that have moved over here....

I tend not to give my name any more, I give my account number if I have one, and then laugh when they try and pronounce the name themselves! :D

So if you've never had electricity before, u can't get any.......
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
12,918 Posts
Me and NTL have a weekly Barney over just what they could possibly fook up on next week.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
663 Posts
My best/worst one was shortly after my father died. He lived in the middle of nowhere, and I didn't have a car, so I needed to make sure I'd be covered under his insurance if I drove his. So I called the insurance company...

Me: Hi, I'm calling about Mr. [name]'s policy. Mr. [name] has passed away, I am his son and his executor and I need to know if I'd be covered under the policy to drive his car.
Moron: What's the policy number?
Me: xxxxxxx
Moron: And what's your date of birth?
Me: xx/xx/1979
Moron: So you're 19 years old?
Me: Yes.
Moron: Are you his grandson?
Me: No, I'm his son.
Moron: And you're his executor?
Me: Yes.
Moron: Aren't you a little young to be an executor?
Me: (mind boggles) silence
Moron: It's an any driver policy, so anyone who the executor allows may drive.
Me: Well I'm the executor.
Moron: Then you can drive the car.

YOU COULD HAVE JUST SAID THAT IMMEDIATELY I GAVE YOU THE POLICY NUMBER! I'VE JUST TOLD YOU THAT MY DAD'S DIED AND YOU THINK I'M IN ANY FIT STATE TO DISCUSS THE FINER POINTS OF WHETHER OR NOT I SHOULD BE HIS EXECUTOR? WHAT, YOU THINK I WANTED TO BE DOING THIS NOW?

Naturally, at the time, I was just glad to get off the phone. Did write them a stinking letter a few weeks later though.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,195 Posts
you monkies should try having my last name!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

·
VIP Gestapo
Joined
·
1,341 Posts
Best I heard was an old boss of mine.

3 of them in a car in the late 80's. Police stopped them.

"Names please"

"Paul Young"

"Frank Bruno"

"Trevor McDonald"

Took them 15 minutes and the entire contents of all of their wallets before the police were finally convinced they weren't taking the piss.
 

·
Well-known member
Joined
·
6,336 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
talking of names ... I used to be an auditor ... one day, working ata a clients, I'm coming across payments to a P.Panther on the payroll ... ding ding ding ding ... turns out the Operations Manager was Paul Panther ...
 

·
VxON Member:0300
Joined
·
194 Posts
I work for a large forestry and sporting estate on the west coast of Scotland who go by the name of West Highland Woodlands, all my bills are taken care of by the estate so they are under the estates name. I got a phone call the other night from BT and the woman says: "Hello, is that Mr Woodlands"!!

ffs did she think my forenames were West Highland!?
 

·
I want KFC
Joined
·
2,638 Posts
:grrr:grrr

I'm a customer services advisor, we're not ALL that bad!! :p
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Top